Dear Winter Break,

You have truly been one of the finest periods of freedom I've ever experienced--even better than my whole summer vacation.

These past two weeks I have successfully:

• driven for HOURS around Okinawa thanks to Sarah's newly acquired license
• had 3 photo shoots
• given some amazing presents to those I love
• gone to Family Fun Land
• went shopping at the commissary with Sarah and was permitted to ride in the cart, swimming around in the food
• attended a dance I could get myself all dolled up for 
• was asked by a boy to dance though there was no longer any music
• went to Kinser Docks
• went back to Dragon Palace for the first time since the summer
• stayed up past midnight every single night
• had 4 sleepovers
• babysat 9 children (with a partner's help) at the same time
• went to the theaters for Sherlocke Holmes 2
• watched 14 movies
• completed my online Japanese class
• gone ice skating for the first time!  kept lots of people laughing...
• Visited 3 soba places
• went to Coco's Curry twice
• talked to my older brother for the first time in like 5 months
• purchased food from FamilyMart 4 times
• got "lost" in the windy roads of the mountains for several hours
• pumped gas into a car for the first time
• visited a random Japanese bakery hidden deep in the bowels of the Okinawan mountains
• went to 3 roller-slide parks and 5 parks total
• went to 4 beaches
• made memories that will last a lifetime

Dear Sunshine Blue Eyes,

Hey.  You there.  Pretend lover.  Sister.  Best friend.  Whatever it is you are to me xD  I suppose it depends on the moment.

I just wanted to tell you that you are such a special girl.  All it takes is sitting down and listening to you for a minute for me to realize that you're a better Christian than I am--and we're not even the same religion!  I hear you talk and get so worried about things that to me are little sins but are a big deal to you, and it's almost like I can feel the warmth of God's love for you.  He has a divine purpose for you, Bailey Bug.  Please, don't ever forget it.  I love the way you laugh.  I love telling secrets, exchanging gifts, pretending to be a family, going on adventures, staying up late with our deep facebook chats, having a blogging buddy... You mean so much to me. 

After the summer comes and everybody moves, you're going to be the only one I've got.  Please stick around... I look forward to walking that graduation stage with at least one of my original friends--and a pretty awesome one at that.

Stay you.  That's a pretty dang special person to be.

<3 Coree(ree)

Sunday Devotional III

Today in Young Woman's Sister Nixon brought up something that really made me think. 

Prayer is a blessing.

In all of my years I thought of prayer as a way to get blessings.  It was something I wasn't very good about doing consistently, and so I usually just felt guilty about it.

But the truth is... we're lucky we even have the option to try and communicate with our Heavenly Father.  Imagine what a lonely existence this would be if there was no way to talk to the one person who loves us the most--the one person who knows everything.  Imagine not being able to ask for things or say thank you or even just talk so that we didn't feel so alone in this Telestial world.

It gave me a bit of insight as to how atheists or people who don't yet know their religion must feel. 

I thank God I'm religious.

For You

If you love me with all that you are.
If you love me, I'll make you a star in my universe

Dear Mama DeBanc,

There's a sentence people say that to each other a lot--all sorts of people.  Lovers, parents, siblings, best friends, extended family, other sorts of leadership... There are many different types of love, but all of them are expressed with the same three-word sentence. 

I love you.

Well right now I want to say that to you, Sarah DeBanc.  To the readers of this blog... not even positive if you're one of them xD  Perhaps today's not a good day.  Perhaps you won't believe me.  But it's the truth--something I try to share as much as possible on this blog since it doesn't happen much in real life.

I love that you think of everybody's feelings and seem to be able to put yourself in their shoes well
I love that I can tell you anything
I love that when I sleep over at your house you pull out the scriptures (maybe even the Lego Bible if I'm lucky) and read to me from them
I love how we're part of an imaginary family at school
I love it when we complete each other's sentences or say the same thing at the same time
I love the weird yet awesome breakfasts you make me
I love that when you give me compliments I actually believe you
I love when you let me lay in your lap and start to play with my hair
I love when you speak to me like I matter
I love that we borrow clothes from each other
I love trying to come up with ideas for awesome gifts for you
I love your taste in music
I love that you spend time with me
I love days when we wear coordinating outfits 
I love that you share your mom
I love our countless inside jokes
I love how you know all of my secrets
I love that I get the privilege of knowing you better than anyone
I love how you can be a best friend, a sister, or even a mom depending on what I need at the moment

I love caring about someone,

whether or not they care about me.

A Useless Lump of Flesh and Blood

... that's what I am.

So many times I've told my friends that I love to hear from them no matter what it's about--that I will always be there for them when they need to talk about something.  I promise they can come over in the middle of the night if need be, cry in front of me, talk to me about ANYTHING.... I just want to be there for them so that they know how much I love them and would put them above me in anything.

But I've failed.  When that finally happened for the first time in months (....not that I seek it out or anything...) I just sat there.  I am such a useless lump of flesh and blood.  My mind searched desperately for something to say... something to comfort... something to do!  Anything to make them better!  Nothing.  A hug, sure--I always want hugs.  Nope.... not even that helped at all.

All I want is to be of use.  I want to make my friends happy--to know that no matter what they're going through, I'm here.  I will love them no matter what and I don't judge.  I want them to feel safe and loved and happy and useful and sheltered and belonging and.... just.... good.

But for some reason I just can't do it.  I don't know what it is about me.  For some reason when I try to hug someone, it's just not the same.  When I try to hold their hand, it's just not the same.  When I try to offer words of encouragement or advice, it's just not the same.  No matter what I do.... it doesn't work.  Just because I'm me.  Well I don't really know how to be someone else.  Trust me--I'd do it if I could.  I would soooo do it if I could.  It drives me up a wall, wondering what on earth is so wrong with me that there is not a single soul on this planet that I am capable of offering comfort to.  I can't help anybody.  I don't make things better. 

I really would do anything for my friends.

But I can't.
It's just not the same.

Isn't That a Song Already?

I was born to tell you I love you
Isn't that a song already?
I get a B in originality
And it's true I can't go on without you
Your smile makes me see clearer
If you could only see in the mirror what I see

New Years Resolutions

(Allison might have given me this idea)

Sooo it's about to be 2012!!!  The year we all die :D  Hah--I'm kidding.  But yes.  There are several ways I can think of in which I would like to improve myself and my life this next year, and so I am going to list them.  Next New Years I'll go over them and how many I completed... unless I'm too embarrassed with the outcome.  We shall see..

1.) Strengthen my testimony
2.) Stop caring
3.) Become more independent
4.) Perform in a play
5.) Communicate my emotions better
6.) Stand up for myself
7.) Succumb to no new addictions
8.) Quit all old addictions for good
9.) Stay out of jail
10.) Continue to refrain from the use of makeup

Christmas 2008

This is Christmas to me.

My three best friends,

coordinating outfits,

and a simpler time.

I Was Walking Far from Home

Saw a white dog chase its tail
And a pair of hearts carved into a stone

I saw kindness and an angel
Crying take me back home, take me back home

A Little Boost of Confidence

Yeah... so I'm totally wearing my 6th grade jeans right now.  And guess what???
They're looser on me now than they were back then.

I just might be tempted to dance around in them.

Immature -

a word boring people use to describe fun people

My Life in The Office GIFs

when I'm supposed to be serious

when trying to be attractive

around mean people

 

When I see people using incorrect grammar

what I would do quite often if I didn't value my life

my reaction to fakers

being a third-wheel

around older, prettier people

speaking before I think

my relationship with my future husband

who I blame my problems

weekdays

weekends

when trying to fit in with the cool kids

succeeding at fitting in with my friends

All I Want for Christmas is YOU

Mine is the best friend ever.  Lots of people talk about how all they want for Christmas is someone to love... well, that's exactly what I got.  Sarah dearest actually got me a boyfriend for Christmas.

 

That there is Tyrel, Ken's African-American bromance partner.  

And now my boyfriend.

Heh, not really.  But I laughed so hard when I unwrapped him.  And I'm pretty sure now everyone who went to the improv. workshop yesterday thinks that Sarah actually got me a black man for Christmas... let them think!

I love you, Sarah.  And though Tyrel is smokin' hot, I still think my present to you shall be superior ;)  When it gets here, that is.

This Little Hell

I had forgotten what a lonely, cold place this really is.  The memories of it faded... the pain healed--for the most part, at least.  I was able to live daily life with ease, usually finding it a quite grand and comfortable thing.  I was embarrassed with my past self and couldn't understand what on earth led me to be so hopeless, so angry, so lonely, so self-destructive, so... 

BROKEN.

But then it was almost like a rerun of one of those nights of the past.  The same dim lighting, the same set, the same cast, the same characters.  It felt more like watching a movie than actually being there.  The next day I experience the exact same flashbacks, followed by widened eyes and quivering lips, which leads to the extreme desire to cry--something never to be done in front of others, in my opinion.  I blink away the memories, trying to ignore the stinging feeling in my gut that can only come from the bitterness of being unloved by those who are supposed to love me the most.  Suddenly I realized that I wasn't such a ninny for being ripped to pieces from the inside out last time this started happening.  I want to be happy.  I want others to assume I really am the happy little ray of sunshine I try to portray to most.  The thought of my struggles ruining others' good time makes me feel like a selfish poop-head... so I have to at least try to look 

NORMAL.

Because if I give up on trying to look fine... then what else to I have?

It's distracting.  It's humiliating.  It's damaging.  Depressing, lonely, irrational, dramatic, stupid, cold, violent, exhausting, bitter, consuming, vicious, ugly, guilty... 

Hah, and you'd think being stuck in this little hell would make me want to try and be good and lay low and try to avoid more nights full of potential flashbacks...

Instead it makes me want to be free and break as many rules as possible, just because I know things will be mostly the same whether I try to do bad things or not.  I might as well have fun if I'm going down, right?  And then I remember that wickedness never truly was happiness and I start to become more rational... in most cases.  Oh, if I didn't have religion--the trouble I'd get myself into!  But it's a good thing I do.  I need something sound, unchanging in my life. 

If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall
Stare into the past, and forget it all...

Giraffy Mondays 002

 

My future giraffe ranch is going to look something like this.

Sunday Devotional II

I'm Sorry

I Keep Moving

Every time....

Every time I'm walking by myself or I know I'm going to see you later I go into a deep train of thought, planning out how today is going to be the day that I tell you how I really feel about you... the way I've felt about you since the moment we met.  I plan out how I'm just going to be bold and straight forward and you'll magically feel the same way and forget all of the other women I know you're so much more interested in.

In my head the moment we see each other we run and just as we're about to embrace, I hold you firmly, and confess that the reason I act so cross around you is only because the thought of you being with anyone else frustrates me.  We then share our first kiss.

After that you magically stop teasing me, we forget that being together is completely against both of our standards, your other women part like the Red Sea and remain happy because of how cute we are together, my friends don't give me a hard time about what a player you are and how low my standards are, you suddenly become very open about things like emotions, you become the cute boyfriend someone in my group of friends always seems to have, we magically manage to stay in contact and madly in love after you go off to college and serve a mission, we continue dating after we meet up again when I'm graduated and you're an RM, you propose to me in most romantically possible way, we get married, and have lots of gorgeous babies.

Or, at least, that's the way it goes in my head...

But then I pass your house.  You're not out there, waiting for me, like you were in my plan.  In fact, your house isn't even there, because you are a hopeless figment of my imagination.  So I continue to look forward and walk... Perhaps even trying to convince myself that I'm not disappointed.