Dear School,

I hate you.

You are so boring, so time-consuming, so emotional, such a popularity contest, so endless, so cold, so lonely, so... necessary.

No matter how much I just want to to be over each day, each week, each month... no matter how much I count down to the next break,

I know that once you're gone I'll miss you terribly.

I know that without you I'd be stupid.  I know without you my days would feel super short and I'd do nothing of importance.  I know without you I wouldn't have nearly as grand of a social life.  I know without you I wouldn't be very good at meeting new people or trying new things or being a leader or making deadlines.

I hate you because despite the fact that you're dull and in many ways irrational,

I need you desperately.

I want you to leave my life.  I want to graduate from high school.... but then I know that I'll probably have to go to college on top of that.  Possibly a lot of college, depending on what I decide to do with this life I've been trusted with. 

I want summer, because I want freedom,

but I know I'm just going to spend all of that time and freedom brooding over what I lost because of you.

You make people grow up. 

You make people new.

You make people stressed.

You make people smart.

You make people popular.

You make me quite conflicted.

I Knew We'd Tell It Well

Though we’re tethered to the story we must tell,
When I saw you, well, I knew we’d tell it well.
With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.
Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.

All the Dark Horses

On the sunset horses silhouette--
all is calm tonight

Somebody That I Used to Know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Freedom

Skipped out on lots of food today.
For good reasons at first,
though it slowly turned into an evil decision.
I looked in the mirror at my exposed bones,
embraced that familiar tightness in my stomach,
and then I remembered.
I remembered how lonely it was...
the constant feeling like I was transforming into some sort of self-obsessed demon,
how I wanted to hide away from the whole world. 

I'm proud of what I did next.  

I laughed.

I finished getting dressed,

walked into the kitchen, then....

I ate a slice of leftover pizza.

Talking about this in the past tense is such a relief.

I am free.

Find Me

Finding peace and belief in this smile

A Photoshopped World

Sometimes I feel like I was photoshopped into this world

Originally meant to be somewhere different

never to look like I completely belong

Unspoken Communication

You'll Leave This World to Me

Well, you drove off in the summer rain.
I waved to you like a sleeping dream.
Told me to stay callous if someone bothered me.
The Eiffel Tower, the marching band--
but I'm sure you wouldn't understand.
I just hope you don't stay gone.

You'll leave.

You'll leave this world to me.

Make Your Own Doritos

If you're going to be making cool ranch then you wanna go ahead and add two dashes of an autumn breeze and half a horse's whinny.

20 Posts a Day

... no I'm not going to make that a goal xD 

But I do write about 20 blog posts a day.  Kind of like I used to think in status updates back when I was addicted to facebook.

Now I think in blog posts!

Sadly, most of these posts are either forgotten as my day goes on...

Or I remember but I still can't write them because they are either much too offensive, reveal too much, or are just downright depressing (to the point where I don't even want to type them out).  Sometimes I do write them out so that I can think more clearly or get things out of my system, but I still don't publish them.

Well.  Let it be known that I just wrote a really awesome and emotional and angry post... but it shall never be published.

It's too offensive.
It reveals too much.
It's downright depressing.

So I shall spare the internet from reading it.  Still, the stubborn side of me (which happens to be a very large portion) decided that it needed to be said that I wrote it.

That is all.

Carry on.

Blood Sugar

Me: "Yeah, it was quite comical reading why these people wanted words banned... they were totally being overdramatic, saying stuff like 'and this word makes.... my blood sugar go up.'  I mean really that's--"
Sarah: ".... Did you just say blood sugar?"
Me: "Uh I-I guess so."
Sarah: "Pressure.  Blood pressure."
Me: ".... How am I supposed to know that?  I mean really, I'm not old yet--I don't need to worry about such things!"
Sarah: "Uh huh."

Find Me

I want to be where you are
In times of need I just want you to stay
I leave a note on your car
When I can’t find the right words to say

New Soul

See, I'm a young soul in this very strange world,
hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake.
But why all this hate? Try to communicate.
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make.

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace that's all her own

QUIT PUSHING ME AWAY

It makes me feel like crap, in case you didn't know.

You take me for granted.
You know, I could just pick up and leave.
Decide I'm tired of it.
Move on.
Get closer to my other friends.
Perhaps that would be the best thing to do.

But you know what...
I don't think I will.
Perhaps that disappoints you.
But I need you.
And I have a feeling you secretly need me, too.

Nineteen Again

It was sort of like being nineteen again.
And you have to hide it.

Paradise

When she was just a girl she expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep

That Dangerous Sort of Sad

I'm sure many people would agree with me when I say that there are lots of different kinds of sad.

Well, the kind that has decided to consume my day is the dangerous kind.
It's a sort that makes my stomach feel funny.  Sort of like a flutter from an encounter with a crush or when something really exciting is about to happen... but not the same at all.  It makes me feel like there's something I should be excited for, but I know I'm not.  It makes me feel empty and upset and nervous.

With this kind I usually don't know the cause.

Most of the time it can be fixed by simply being around people I like.  Sadly, that sort of encounter isn't always available.  Some days there's not a single person on this planet I like (not sure if today is one of those days).

And so this sadness is allowed to linger.

Now I'll get to the reason why this sort of emotion is so dangerous. 

With the maddening emptiness comes the insane desire to fill it with something... anything.  These are the days where I try and experiment with things to see if they'll make me happy--they seem to work for other people, after all.  Sometimes I decide to be productive with it and go through all my possessions, getting rid of everything that I don't absolutely need.  If I've allowed myself to get wrapped up in it enough then I'll probably say some brutally honest things to my friends, though my honest opinions on these days are often far from rational.  This sadness leads to new bad habits, allowing for many more of these sorts of awful days. 

On these days

Getting dressed before noon is a rare thing
I feel like I'm being watched
everything is over analyzed
I decide I'm sick of having friends
projects get destroyed
possessions are thrown away
my nails get bitten off for the first time since I last had this sort of sadness
I count both scars and freckles
I'm more stubborn than a mule
diary pages are ripped out
habits develop
food is consumed.  all of it.
emo music is listened too
I have to do everything really fast
patience is unheard of
... no, I'm not PMSing.

This sadness has the potential to ruin many days to come.

and I don't even know why it happens

Giraffy Mondays 003

'nough said.