It's Called Sacrifice for a Reason.

I am now starting to realize this. I made a fateful decision a long time ago that I was going to protect you. Sort of ironic, considering it should be your job to protect me... At the time it seemed like the only decision to make. There was no way I was going to let anything hurt you, despite all the times you've hurt me even since then, no matter who else it hurt in the process. The few people I've confided in over this say it was stupid and I made the wrong choice when I had the chance to change things for the better... but they just don't understand.
They haven't been through this much with you.
They haven't had to spend hours ruling it out in their mind how the stuff that you do just means you love them.
They haven't seen the way you sacrifice for others.

They haven't been there for everything.

Why should anyone expect them to understand for a moment the pain, loyalty, and panic that overwhelmed every little bit of my existence in making that decision.

I've spent all this time being miserable because I thought your decisions were unfair.  I've been so angry and jealous and bitter and upset and lonely and spiteful and disrespectful and numb and mean and just... unhappy.  It got to the point where I almost told you about said decision in my frustration.  I told you enough to get you mad, but not the part that mattered.

But I've had a realization.  That decision was making a sacrifice for you, and I knew it.  Making a sacrifice implies that one is somehow giving something up for something else.  Of course I'd be inconvenienced somehow by this.

You know, that was my decision.  In that moment, I figured that you were more important than anything I could gain.  I'd forgotten that.
Yes, you're going to be mad at me for this... probably forever, unless we do actually come clean and work things out at some point.
But I protected you.  And that's what I was setting out to do so long ago.

I got what I wanted.

Time to try and decide if the miseries this is causing me are worth it.

Betcha Didn't Know...

I secretly find the 80's fascinating.  I wish my life were exactly like this.

Priorities.

You know, I just wrote out a giant big long blog post full of observations of my mental patterns and emotions and causes and effects.  In it I poured my doubts and worries and even a few confessions.  I went back and applied a constant metaphor, and even put some fun sentences in there which painted marvelous pictures of hatred, insecurity, and hopelessness.

But then I got back to working on a little project for somebody I love's graduation...

And I remembered that no matter what, I've got people who love me.  And even if that net of safety is going to unravel, people love people for a reason... it means there's something in me.  Something good.  Something that I can hopefully tap into and use for my own good, rather than luring people in once they're all gone for good.

Sounds sorta sad, I suppose, now that I've written it out... but it's actually a great hope to me.

All of this sadness is going to seem so pointless one day.  But I will always cherish these blessed people whom God so graciously decided to place in my path.

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again...
I have been here many times before.

A Bit of a Confession...

Yesterday...

I needed you to happen so desperately.  I am so lucky to have the kind of friend willing to just drop all of our adventurous, high-energy plans for the weekend because I wasn't feeling up to them.  Instead we just laid around eating breakfast burritos, sipping on sweet apple juice, watching movies, and we enjoyed being there with each other.  That's really all it takes. 

So thank you, yesterday.  Thank you for trying to restore my emotional stability.

This Playground Called Life

Just let me know that growing up goes slow...

Cosmic Love

No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight, in the shadow of your heart

Poop of the Earth.

That's what today was.  Apparently that's one of Abby's favorite expressions of mine, and I want at least somebody to be smiling today.

I sorta want this to be one of those blog posts where I say exactly what happened, but I am so completely and utterly mortified that I think actually putting it into virtual print would send me back into hysterics.  So I'll gladly curl up under my thinning blanket of vagueness.

I just want to be fantastic.  I want to be talented and beautiful and spunky and awesome like the sea of people I surround myself with everyday.  For a little while, I thought it was starting to happen.  But after today.... I realized that I'm only graced with their presence because it's convenient.  Letting me feel included and like I belong doesn't take any effort from anybody else... it's easier than telling me the truth.  It's easier than breaking it to me that I'm really not as good as the rest of them, but I'm fairly entertaining, so I remain.

Why can't I just impress somebody?  Why can't I be socially suave?  Why can't I perform?  Why can't I be funny?  Why can't I just be fantastic at something other than this crappy blog which holds absolutely no value in anything? 

Oh well.  I'm still going to wake up in the morning.  I'll continue to live life.  The rawness of my emotions will fade, so that even when I desperately want to cry and show people that no, I am NOT fine at all, I won't be able to muster up the courage to just let things flow.  I will continue being that girl great for a laugh every now and then, but who's usually just obnoxious and overpowering.  I will still be seen by a boy, still be there for him, but only when he's in the mood for me rather than one of his other more highly favored women. 

Then, just maybe, someday I'll actually be fantastic at something.

Although, I've found that no matter how unfantastic I get, no matter how dramatic or miserable or crazy or annoying, there's one girl who's always there.  She sympathizes with me in everything.  One just might go as far as to call us.... twins.  And yes, those awkward encounters with her dog, laying on her bed and releasing the stormy ocean which is my emotions through the form of careful whispers, enjoying microwaved cookie dough while trying not to sob out of relief, talking excitedly about the past and best friends and potential best friends and awkward skype phonecalls... it helped.  So much.  

I bet you she thinks I'm fantastic.

I've Almost Got What I Wanted....

But now I realize, I was silly to want it in the first place.

Those Moments...

Those embarrassing moments you can only pray no one will ever mention again...

My life is full of them.

Dear "The Bad Nights,"

I don't think I could even put into words how you have twisted and contorted my life over the past couple of years.  You are the one thing in this life of mine which is anything but fantastic.  Somehow, you manage to suck the joy out of everything else and become the center of attention, your unfair cruelty just too much to look over for a dramatic child such as I.

This has been going on for a long time and I imagine it will continue for at least a few more years.  I'm pretty sure that I am going to continue to struggle with you.  But there must be some good coming from you.  I believe God has a plan, and so this must have some benefit... if not to me, perhaps to someone else?

Perhaps because we were forced into so many meetings, I will be able to handle criticism better in the future?
Maybe I will be extremely considerate and patient with those little souls I am going to be entrusted with one day?
Or....

Well, one big point of this big "plan" previously mentioned is that we don't know it or understand it.  But I know everything has a reason.... everything. 

I'm going to get through this.  

I Went in a Corn Field Today

That's a metaphor... in case you didn't know.

Basically saying that today the simple things were an adventure,

throwing a bit of wonder and interest into my life.

At times I felt like I was lost and would never be able to get out...

but then, at other moments, I hoped that nothing and no one would ever try to take me away from the visually pleasing rows upon rows of leaning, feathery stalks.

In the end, I realized that I have many Akbars, a couple of which stood out to me today.

I also realized that despite that they will eventually be turned into delicious, buttery, wannabe vegetable side-dishes, 

they are the only Akbars for me and the cornfield would be quite suckish without them.

Dear Weekend,

You were perfect...  absolute perfection.  I adored every moment we spent together.  From attaining a new, adorable (and quite Abby-like) wardrobe, to following a random stranger all the way to ETWS.... in Naha, to attending a babyshower and getting to spend time with those ladies who I want to badly to be like in the future, to hanging out with that kid down the street who I find to be fantastically challenging, to watching adorable little children and a couple of friends perform in Alice in Wonderland, to a sleepover, flittery, exciting, sleep deprived girl-talk until the wee hours of the morning, a giant breakfast, a spiritually uplifting Sunday, baking cookies, a moment of wonderful, vain, exciting, conceited, self-esteem boosting realization, voice lessons from some of my favorite people, to a wonderfully satisfying nap...

You're the only thing that gets me through long weeks such as this last one.
The knowledge that you, my most adored weekend, will always be filled with complete bliss.

A Bit of Hope

I doubt you realize how elated I was yesterday when you just assumed we'd still be seeing each other every day when you're old.

My Own

Oh hey look.... apparently I wrote a song that I didn't know about!

Curse you, Tumblr

I already hated you because I wanted one so badly, but was stuck with a blogger.  Luckily, I managed to make the best of this blog and I got many of my friends hooked on blogger.  My lackage of tumblr was okay because I still had my buddies with me, which is really what matters in social networking...

Unfortunately, they've discovered tumblr, too.  And their parents don't mind it.  So I am left here in this wasteland of blogger..... alone, to wonder if anybody even reads this thing anymore, since they don't get on to write their own blogs.

Forever alone.

Even on the internet ;-;

Dear Partner-in-Crime,

Thank you so much.  I woke up this morning crying, just because in my heart I knew today was going to be the poop of the earth.  Purely by the grace of God, school actually turned out okay.  Still, things from last night were lingering in my head and in my heart and they just wouldn't leave.  Happiness fleeted after a few moments, just because those harsh words kept ringing through my head over and over again.... freak....
I don't think you even knew anything was wrong.

But you know, there are few people like you who manage to just light me up instantly.  All you did was talk to me at lunch.  All you did was sit next to me.  I've been counting--this is the 7th time in a row.  There are plenty of other beautiful and funny girls at our table you could sit next to, and yet you don't.  I'm not used to being somebody's first choice.  I'm starting not to mind being "mainstream" and riding the bus rather than riding with the bestie, just because I know day after day you're the one who plops down next to me on that bench, prepared with all sorts of stories and such for the ride home.  I don't think anyone could understand how fond I've grown of watching your expressions of excitement as you relate the happenings of the day to me... you get so in to what you're saying!

I love how we finally ended up playing that old Nintendo 64 game we've been saying we would together.  I felt pretty cool, getting to show off my video gaming "skills".... heh for a girl, anyways.  Hot, chewy pretzels, talking with your saint of a mother, an intense rubber-band war with the rest of your family, hiding behind you as you took the blows for me...

I know you're leaving soon.  I know there are a lot of things that should deter me and convince me to spend time with someone else.  But you know, I don't mind.  Right now I think you're the only one who can help like you do.  Maybe I'm just setting myself up for future pain, but kiddo, you're the best distraction in the world.  I think that's what I need right now.

Telling you how I feel?
Best decision of my life.