Far East Drama Auditions

Tonight I find I am having difficulty willing myself to going to bed.

Earlier today, after school, I auditioned for Far East Drama.  

Now, acting is not something I am very experienced at all in.  I have auditioned for a play (though I try to forget that experience), performed a few monologues for my drama class, and performed one monologue in front of real people.  It scares me out of my pants and hours before I am expected to perform I start to shake and feel sick to my stomach and can't think about anything else except for the performance I am, in my head, probably about to screw up.

And you know what?


I love it--more than almost anything else.  And I'm pretty good for a beginner, too.  The freedom and expression of capturing the emotions of another and portraying them to the world with my own body is absolutely breathtaking. 


The audition went okay, there are definitely ways I could improve, but I think I gave it a good shot.  I projected, enunciated, and wasn't embarrassed to scream at the top of my lungs at my pedophile husband.  Of course I think my blocking could have been better and I could have been more free with my gestures... but I was good.

The real question is: Was I good enough?

The thought of not getting in is more overwhelming than the thought of getting in.  All of my friends are theater nerds.  All of my friends auditioned and, for them, narwhals would fly before they didn't make it on the Far East Drama team.  They're so experienced and skilled that it is awe-inspiring just watching them rehearse for such things.  If I don't make it in then I'll be the outcast--just like when I was the only one not in the play.  I'll be the kid that doesn't know any of the inside jokes so they just have to stand there and nervously giggle, pretending they have a clue what's going on.  I'll be that kid feeling left out because they have nothing to do after school and all of their friends are occupied... with each other!  I have been that kid far too many a time.  I want this to be different.

And so, I can't bring myself to go to bed.  That would only mean I'd have to wake up, and then that would mean I'd have to go to seminary.  After seminary, the seconds probably feeling like hours, I would walk to Mrs. Deakins' room with Sarah like every day, only this time I wouldn't be thinking about her and the bodily functions we're probably discussing--I'd be thinking of that giant sheet of paper on the door that might say my name on it.  Of course, all my friends will approach and nod or giggle or shout with excitement that they're on the list.  A few strangers would wander over, letting out a huff and stomping away to see that they didn't make it.  And then finally I'd get up the courage to go look.  Oh, the embarrassment if my name isn't there!  It would be so hard to act supportive and proud of my friends, while trying desperately to hold back the tears of disappointment.  I'd go throughout my day feeling like poo at first.  Then as time went on it would wear off and instead I would feel an overwhelming... numbness.  I wouldn't see my friends anymore or pay attention to their silly antics.  I wouldn't be able to observe the other angry or crestfallen rejects.  

I would only see me, the one who failed, the one who was going to be left out again.  Yet, in situations like this, my head starts to look at the big picture.  I would start to think of the starving children in Africa and human trafficking and then I would know that I don't have it so bad, so then crying just wouldn't be an option, but neither would being happy.  I would feel like nothing in the world matters so why even bother caring.  This hopeless state would last for days, and probably even start to surface every once in a while while watching my friends live out my hopes and dreams of learning the ways of the theater.

If I went to bed then in the morning I'd wake up and find out if I made it into Far East, and that leaves the possibility of me not getting in.  And so, you see, I just can't go to bed.


Edit;: JK haha I got in :}