The past couple of days I've been thinking about you even more than usual.
I miss you so desperately. Because we've met before, of course--back when this huge mess we call "life" was just a plan that our Father came up with.
I feel so lost. So... clueless. I have no direction to shoot for in life. No map to find you.
Sometimes I wonder if you're here--if I've already met you on earth and I don't even know it. Maybe you really are that boy I call sleeze-bag these days, just like I used to believe with all of my heart and soul. Or perhaps you're the sweet kid who I joke around with about us being a married couple. Maybe you're the one who I loved as a child, watching from a far as you played with my older brothers. Wouldn't it be nice if you were the kid I currently dream of! Maybe you're one of the weird kids I've accumulated as fans over the years, or even the creeper who's recently come into my life. I don't think any of those would really disappoint me, because if I did end up with you, then that would have to mean you're worth something and you don't disgust me... right?
I just want you to hold my hand right now. To be my rock--the one who will always be here, no matter how pissy I'm being.
Sure, my friends are the kind where I can hold hands with them any time, cuddle with them any time, joke around as if they're my lover on a whim...
But, you know, laughing about it can only go so far. Joking around with my friends can only do so much.
I just have to remind myself that you'll come. I have to remind myself that you really are perfect... for me, at least. And, when the decision presents itself, I won't feel like I'm settling. I can't rush this. I can't settle for the first guy who comes along and takes an interest in me. Unless, of course, he happens to be you.
Make yourself known, okay? Hold a sign or something.
Until then, here I wait.
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