Young, But Yours.

You said I’m young, but I’m yours.
I am free, but I am flawed.
I’m here in your heart--I was here from the start!

A Thing Called Love

My Real Hometown

I came from Spooky Hockey,

a fairly accurate name bestowed upon me by a 5-year-old.

From my pink, quilted baby blanket.

It smells like my mom still,

Despite being dragged to hell and back.

I am from Nuhnuh the pacifier,

serving as more of a cork to stop up my shrieks than anything.

I came from the far-off land of being the princess of the family.

It would be better named the land of “That’s a girly movie!”

“You’re such a baby.”

“No, my guy is not falling in love with your guy.”

“Out of my room!”

which usually ended with “Go play with your stuffed animals!”

Few people understand that this land isn’t actually all bad.

For every princess in trouble,

there’s a pirate, a ninja, and a Marine to save her.

I just might always reside in that world of combat boots,

jet noise singing me to sleep,

running at full speeds once that rope hits the ground,

trying desperately to remember what he looks like among all of the other strong men.

A world of “I’ll miss you.”

Followed by double rainbows,

promising that my world will remain delightfully unchanged for the most part.

Where I’m from,

Woody the Cowboy is your personal escort absolutely everywhere.

Obsessions are constant there.

Oprah Winfrey and her husband Dr. Phil,

Kiki the Witch and Simba,

They are the celebrities everyone is buzzing over.

There the most valuable currencies are hugs and butterfly kisses.

The only pillow worth having is a giant, fluffy dog,

the rise and fall of her barreled chest rocking me to sleep.

Meanie is the worst insult that comes to mind,

And people don’t actually mean it when they say “I’m not your friend anymore.”

I am from those moments,

from my own reality.

I reject yours and substitute my own.

My Real Favorite Birthday Present?

You being here.  You being here.  The version of you I get to see so rarely that sometimes I think I imagined it... until it is exposed once more.  It's the version of you that makes me feel secure and pretty and happy.  It's the gentleman and best friend I've grown so attached to.

I can only hope that this part of you intends to stick around... that you don't pretend nothing ever happened.

Can we please just quit playing this game?
I'm really tired of losing.
Just say what you feel.  Mean it. 

15 Years of Breathing

Tomorrow shall be the epitome of AWESOME

Yellow Flowers, Blue Eyes, Purple Gears

One of the only kids out there mad enough to ride the everyday roller coaster with me

Dear Four Year Old Coree,

Keep your chin up, kiddo.  Things may feel tough.  You might think that you will just DIE if you don't have things exactly your way.  People may not believe you when you say you can't just control yourself, but don't worry, I know you really couldn't help being a snot to Jake.  I get the pains and struggles of being stubborn.
Despite what it may feel like, your family doesn't hate you... all the time.  Maybe a little less screaming and kicking and crying and throwing yourself on the floor and biting and.... nah, scratch that--it's essential to the person you'll become.
Also.  I doubt you're going to hell.  Quit worrying so much about it and just trust that eventually you'll pull yourself together and maybe you and Jake will become friends.  It could happen.
Biggest piece of advice here.  You'd never say it out loud, but I know that you know you think you're fat.  I know that you know that you always have.  If you want to be free, just overcome that while you're still four and there's not much to compare yourself to.
It's okay that you drive everyone around you crazy.  It's okay that you're messy and loud and controlling.  In a few years you'll have some of the best friends you could ever ask for, and a real life.  Crazy to think about, I know.  Don't get too excited.

I've learned to love you,
- 14 year old Coree

Just... Get Help.

They're tearing up holes in the house
They're tearing their claws in the ground
They're staring with blood in their mouths
Mama they won't let me out

Mama, I know you're too wise to wait for those wolves to make nice.

Reincarnated

It's official.  

I was a bee in another life.

Which is ironic, considering I'm so terrified of the dang things.

Swagger Wagon

One benefit of having an adult for a best friend...

they take me out on errands.

And, if I'm really good...

I get to ride in the cart.

Sorry, Eyes.

My poor eyes.  I've been using them wrong, so they hurt.

Perhaps all of those staring contests yesterday weren't a good idea...
I probably could have dragged them away from the computer screen a bit sooner.
Oh, the near-sightedness.  How it aches!
All of this crying tonight.  It tires them out.

No matter how they water they still feel parched and sore.

Tomorrow will be better.  I'll go out and get to spend the day looking at pretty things and being a pretty thing and walking around with my best friend, looking at her and what a pretty thing she is and talking about the things that makes these eyes cry.  
Or.... perhaps we won't.  Maybe I'll just leave the miseries of tonight... the miseries of tonight. 
Then I'll get to go to a party to celebrate the birth of the lovely Bailey Lisk and I'll get to join in on my first food fight.  Then it will be my face and stomach hurting rather than my eyes... but laughing is my favorite kind of pain :}

Tomorrow I will be happier.  Tomorrow I'll feel loved and safe and there will be no more meltdowns. 

Wait... don't I say that everyday?

Dear Real-Life Golden Thread,

You don't seem to understand what you have.  You're exactly the girl I want to be... light as a feather, bright blonde hair, petite features, cute laugh, shy yet curious aura... like the Lucie Manette of real life, the Barbie of earth.  Another little thing...

You have him.

I hear the way he talks about you.  I listen to him make plans for you and fret over what you think of him and just... care.  I listen to him because I can only pretend he would ever care that much about me.
You hardly seem to acknowledge him.

You have so much power.  You are the only person out there where you just walk into the room and I can't stand to look at you, yet I just can't take my eyes off of you.  I sit there and stare at you and I feel sick.  It hurts. 

You're probably a nice girl.  You seem to have lots of friends, and they must be there for some reason.  But I honestly can't help but hate you.... hate you because you're gorgeous, hate you because you're tiny, hate you because you know how to wear makeup, hate you because you have him wrapped around your little finger, hate you because you don't see me, hate you because... you're exactly that picture of my ideal self I get in my head, and you don't even realize it.

Being a Grown Up

Though I personally find the idea quite depressing, I find myself thinking about it a lot.  One of these days I'm going to have to actually start being responsible and really suffering for my stupid decisions, rather than just getting scolded or grounded or whatever it might be.  One day things will actually matter, and the "practice round" of the "game" will have come and gone.

These days, we have to face the facts that the idea of a home supported by one income just isn't always possible.  It is quite likely that I will have to take a job in the future.  Maybe my husband is just getting started in his career.  Maybe his career is something he loves that, unfortunately, doesn't pay very well.  Maybe it takes me a while to meet the right one.  Maybe I don't meet the right one.  No matter how I like to pretend I can just be a housewife and life will work out just fine, I know I'll probably need  a job.

Here's something funny.  Coree isn't very good at... life.  I've got little work ethic, I'm not good with numbers, not into music, I know nothing about cars, I'm rather scatter-brained, etc. etc.  Basically, there's only one thing I am absolutely confident in.  Writing is the only activity out there where I feel like I almost don't have to try, and yet it brings me so much joy.  I've been doing it since the first grade, and it's been my passion since I was nine.  Grammar seems more like a hobby to me than a set of rules.

Here's another funny thing.  Writing isn't something that can support you very well.... not the way I do it.  See, I've always pictured myself writing novels.  I come up with elaborate plots and worlds and I just want to get them out.  But authors, unless they end up publishing a best-seller or whatever, usually end up starving unless they have another job.

It then occurred to me that I don't just write novels.  I also write school papers.  Heck, I'm writing right now!  My blog is my most consistent source of creative, literate splendor. 

Perhaps Coree should take up trying to be a columnist.  
That's the most adult thought I've had in a long time.

Ahh.  I've spent my whole life wishing I was older, wanting to turn 8, wanting to turn 10, 12, 13, 16, 18, 24!  I've felt so ready for the next step, and the step beyond that.  Now it's actually coming up in the horizon and... well, it's weird. 
In my head I'm still that little girl so excited she's turning 5.  In my head I'm the girl who wouldn't stop chewing gum for a week because she was so proud she learned how to blow bubbles.  In my head I'm still the little girl prancing around the house in her dance recital costume, running up and down the halls because she just lost her first tooth, gritting her teeth because she wanted to squeeze someone's face so bad, falling asleep on her dog's stomach with her thumb in her mouth, screaming at her father because he ate the second taco in her kid's meal, hoarding every stuffed animal that came into her possession, getting pushed off the diving board by a lifeguard because she was too scared and was holding up the line, wearing clothes that absolutely did not match just to disagree with her mother, crying when she heard the song "What a Wonderful World" because it reminded her of kindergarten, laying on her brother's bed and watching him play The Legend of Zelda for hours on end, saving up every single penny she earned for over a year to earn enough money for a DS, riding her bike around her neighborhood as if she owned the world, buying "Crazy in Love" as her first iTunes song and listening to it on repeat for far longer than healthy.... the list goes on.

Now suddenly I'm supposed to start caring what my daily activities are going to do for my future.  I'm thinking about careers.  While I can't believe I'm only 14, I still wonder where all that time went. 

Paying taxes, all-night study sessions in the library, jury duty, window shopping, gas prices, marriage, church callings, job interviews, majors, paying rent, credit cards... children... Someday I'm going to have to worry about that.

Ugh.  Coree is going to bed. 

Hiding My Heart Away

I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done,
and wake up to your face against the morning sun.
But, like everything I've ever known, you'll disappear one day.
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away.

Swim Away

 

Why is it that the only boy who calls me beautiful has to live on a completely different island?

It kills, thinking about how different things would be if I were there rather than here.

Oh the temptation to swim away...

Valentine's Day

 

Well, I personally find this Valentine's day to be better than last year's.  Much less dramatic.

I had lots of fun plotting with my brother for his girlfriend, helping my best friend decorate her boyfriend's parking spot with chalk (and getting in a mini chalk fight), receiving a note from my Bailey, and making a valentine for my Sarah.  It was adorable opening the door after school to see a boy panting with exhaustion from running to my house to deliver me chocolate.  I loved hearing about other people's plans and getting to see all the love going around.

At the same time I hated it.  I knew there wasn't anybody out there making plans like that for me.  I knew that my purpose this year was to assist others in making the holiday special... but that didn't quite sit right. 

 So I did the logical thing and acted on a whim, sending a note of confession to the guy I wish was making plans for my valentine's day.  I told him how I felt, I sent him his favorite candy, and that was that.

Ooh.  Hopefully I wake up tomorrow and I'm still excited about my decision.

Trying to Stop Sucking

As a teenager, I figure it's only natural that I'm usually a pretty selfish person.  I do what I want, when I want, so that I can be happy.

But lately I've been trying to suck just a little bit less and think of other people for a change.  Little by little, it's starting to work.

I find that while I used to just want her all to myself and I wanted us to go out and do stuff and take pictures so that I could post them on the internet and people could see how attractive photo editing can make me look and how cute my best friend is.  I wanted her to care only about me.  I wanted the security of someone who would always care.  I wanted the best friend you always see on TV where you can do just about anything and you don't have to worry about what you say or do as long as you're kind to them and they'll treat you like family.

Well, now I've gotten that.  But I didn't expect a change to come over me when this happened... only those around me.

Now I find I don't mind if we just watch a movie because she's too tired from the day before.  I'm just glad she was out and happy.  I don't mind that she talks about old friends... it makes me smile to think of a person who was so good at making her happy--someone who took her out on adventures and let her spill her soul just like I do.  I don't mind that her boyfriend is the center of most things.  He makes her feel special, he shows her a good time, and he's kind to her.  That's really all I could want for her.

Instead of craving adventure, now I just want to hear her talk.  I want her to tell me what's going on in side of that head of hers... I want to try and help mend whatever issues she's having, and I want to laugh at the funny stories she has to share. 
I want to just sit there with her and take in the feeling of actually being relaxed.  It's amazing how much stress I feel all the time just from being around people whom I am desperate not to mess up around.

I just want to connect with her,
and now suddenly other people, too.

I thought adventure and pretty pictures made me happy.
And, while that's fun...
It's really the security of true friendship.

A Favorite Thing

One of my favorite things is when someone calls me tiny just out of the blue.

...The only thing that could make it better is if I actually believed them.

Dear Last Night,

Thank you.  Thank you for happening.


You were full of 10 Things I Hate About You, Sarah and Cody, pizza, watching them eat and drink from below (it's an experience), walking around plaza, Cody jumping out at me, REVENGE, hugs of fondness and forgiveness, mint hot cocoa, microwaved cookie dough, a long chapter of scripture about olives, a college acceptance letter for Sarah and a little victory dance, and a sleepover with my best friend.

While you were amazingly fun, there's more to it than that.

You proved a few things to me.

1. Hanging out with the two of them without it being awkward and third-wheelish is quite possible.  Not only is it not awkward, but I actually enjoy it.
2. Pizza is better eaten with the hands.
3. Sarah did not write the song "I Want You to Want Me"
4. My friendship with her is something I will always be able to fix if I break it and I really am sorry.  Because we love each other, and there obviously must be some reason we picked each other to spend our highschool years with.  Those reasons wouldn't just vanish because I mess up occasionally.  This gives me hope for the future.

Landslide

Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Oops

I've been a bad friend.

I used to pride myself in being the most trustworthy friend ever, because I refused to tell secrets about anybody, and people recognized it.  I think that's how I earned all of these friends.
But lately I've been getting caught up in my frustration and I've been ranting about friends to other friends.  Not telling their secrets (oh heavens no)....
but I feel like talking about my friends negatively like that and telling other people about the troubles we're having is still mean and it's not something I should be doing.  I want to be that person people know they can just go to whenever and they don't have to worry about being talked about.

So I'm going to shape up and keep this stuff between the right people.
If you catch me slipping up, please call me out on it.

The Monsters Inside

Hallelujah

Love is not a victory march

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Not Sure if I -want- to Let Go

What if you should decide that you don't want me there by you side,

that you don't want me there in your life?

I'm trying to actually envision it... life without you.  And you know what, no matter how much I might mope at first, I think I could live with it.  Someone else would always come along, and I'd eventually have a husband for a best friend.  

Maybe you want to let go of highschool completely, including me, so that there's nobody who remembers who you used to be.

Well the vulnerable, confused, highschool you is the one who I picked to care about.  I chose to love you, and I chose to spend all of this time with you.  I chose to go through a lot of difficult things... which were all worth it, because if they hadn't happened I wouldn't be nearly this close to you.  I wouldn't have an escape--somebody to run away with when things are just too much to deal with for the moment.

Moral of the story: Yes, I can live without you, and I will have to eventually.  

 

But the dreamer within me says that it won't be a forever goodbye.  The dreamer Coree says we'll make lives for ourselves and meet up again, stronger and happier than ever, to raise our kids with each other.  Our husbands will grill stuff and talk about the game while our little rascals run around in the backyard, playing princess and house and climbing trees and discovering what an amazing thing life is.  We'll sit on the swinging bench on the porch and keep a watchful eye on our families, while making plans for birthday parties and Relief Society centerpieces and outings to go window shopping.

Maybe it won't happen.  Maybe you don't want it to.

But I can see it so vividly... I feel like I'm already there.  

And, if nothing else, it's a thought that gets me through the day.

Read in Moments of Distress

If you're reading this, then just remember... 

LIFE GOES ON

Perhaps you're flooded in a mound of homework so tall that you can't even see the top.  Perhaps you're having doubts about a relationship.  Perhaps your friends aren't doing exactly what you want them to.  Perhaps your grades are poop.  Perhaps you've recently done something very embarrassing.  Perhaps you didn't get that job you wanted.  Maybe you got dumped.  Maybe somebody you love died.  The thing that always makes it at least a little better for me is to remember 

LIFE GOES ON

No matter what obstacle you're going through right now, keep a little bit of perspective.

Maybe it won't matter in a few minutes.  Maybe hours.  Maybe the next day.  Maybe the next week.  Maybe the next month.  Maybe for years.  

But eventually some other opportunity or situation will come along, and your priorities and goals and such will change countless times as you continue to grow and progress.  

So look at that mound of homework and laugh (still work on it, but don't stress.)  Fix things with your friend... or don't, if they're not worth it.  Write somebody a love note.  Go out on an adventure... just enjoy things.

Part of life going on is it running out eventually

so don't use it up stressing about every little bump in the road.

Did You See the World?

Oh, fallen friends, where have you gone to?
Did you see the world?  Did she break you down?

The Laws of Coree

Patrick and I were pretending we're countries.   I asked him what the laws of me as a country are and these are what he came up with for me.

1.) Coree's stupid
2.) Coree's unintelligent
3.) Coree's not very good at anything
4.) Coree will never get married because no man will ever love her
5.) Coree is infertile

gee thanks, older brother.
He was only kidding.... so I think I'll try and come up with the real rules of Coree.

1.) Coree will never give up on you
2.) Coree's never going to give herself enough credit
3.) Coree loves giraffes--they will never fail to bring her joy
4.) Coree has priorities... suckish ones, but still priorities
5.) Coree believes in God

I like those better.

Family Photo

Yes, I know I am part of the most attractive little highschool family ever.

That One Moment...

Have you ever had that moment where you're so happy that it feels like your insides might turn into little hot air balloons and fly right out of your throat, fueled by the complete and absolute joy pumping through your veins?  You know... the moment where you can't remember why you were ever sad or how it's even possible to feel bad about yourself!  It's a moment where you don't know what to do.  Jumping up and down while squealing with whimsy is a good channel for all of the energy which comes along with such times, but doing so feels more like an attempt to get rid of the feeling rather than live in it.

And so... 

All you can do is stand there in the spotlight, looking around at all of the faces of the people who have helped you to achieve such splendor.

I had one of those moments last night.

FarEast Drama.... best week ever.