I am now starting to realize this. I made a fateful decision a long time ago that I was going to protect you. Sort of ironic, considering it should be your job to protect me... At the time it seemed like the only decision to make. There was no way I was going to let anything hurt you, despite all the times you've hurt me even since then, no matter who else it hurt in the process. The few people I've confided in over this say it was stupid and I made the wrong choice when I had the chance to change things for the better... but they just don't understand.
They haven't been through this much with you.
They haven't had to spend hours ruling it out in their mind how the stuff that you do just means you love them.
They haven't seen the way you sacrifice for others.
They haven't been there for everything.
Why should anyone expect them to understand for a moment the pain, loyalty, and panic that overwhelmed every little bit of my existence in making that decision.I've spent all this time being miserable because I thought your decisions were unfair. I've been so angry and jealous and bitter and upset and lonely and spiteful and disrespectful and numb and mean and just... unhappy. It got to the point where I almost told you about said decision in my frustration. I told you enough to get you mad, but not the part that mattered.
But I've had a realization. That decision was making a sacrifice for you, and I knew it. Making a sacrifice implies that one is somehow giving something up for something else. Of course I'd be inconvenienced somehow by this.
You know, that was my decision. In that moment, I figured that you were more important than anything I could gain. I'd forgotten that.
Yes, you're going to be mad at me for this... probably forever, unless we do actually come clean and work things out at some point.
But I protected you. And that's what I was setting out to do so long ago.
I got what I wanted.
Time to try and decide if the miseries this is causing me are worth it.
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