I sorta want this to be one of those blog posts where I say exactly what happened, but I am so completely and utterly mortified that I think actually putting it into virtual print would send me back into hysterics. So I'll gladly curl up under my thinning blanket of vagueness.
I just want to be fantastic. I want to be talented and beautiful and spunky and awesome like the sea of people I surround myself with everyday. For a little while, I thought it was starting to happen. But after today.... I realized that I'm only graced with their presence because it's convenient. Letting me feel included and like I belong doesn't take any effort from anybody else... it's easier than telling me the truth. It's easier than breaking it to me that I'm really not as good as the rest of them, but I'm fairly entertaining, so I remain.
Why can't I just impress somebody? Why can't I be socially suave? Why can't I perform? Why can't I be funny? Why can't I just be fantastic at something other than this crappy blog which holds absolutely no value in anything?
Oh well. I'm still going to wake up in the morning. I'll continue to live life. The rawness of my emotions will fade, so that even when I desperately want to cry and show people that no, I am NOT fine at all, I won't be able to muster up the courage to just let things flow. I will continue being that girl great for a laugh every now and then, but who's usually just obnoxious and overpowering. I will still be seen by a boy, still be there for him, but only when he's in the mood for me rather than one of his other more highly favored women.
Then, just maybe, someday I'll actually be fantastic at something.
Although, I've found that no matter how unfantastic I get, no matter how dramatic or miserable or crazy or annoying, there's one girl who's always there. She sympathizes with me in everything. One just might go as far as to call us.... twins. And yes, those awkward encounters with her dog, laying on her bed and releasing the stormy ocean which is my emotions through the form of careful whispers, enjoying microwaved cookie dough while trying not to sob out of relief, talking excitedly about the past and best friends and potential best friends and awkward skype phonecalls... it helped. So much.
I bet you she thinks I'm fantastic.
Cause you are fantastic, gosh darn it. :)
ReplyDeleteSeconded!
ReplyDeleteYou impress me all the time! Your blog, your writing, your personality, your acting, there is a quite long list. I think that we are all our own worst critics. This is where "Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind" comes in. Don't listen to what other people say about you if you don't like it, because it honestly doesn't matter. Are those people your friends? I should hope not. Me and so many other people see you as the beautiful, spunky, awesome, funny, daring person you are!
This is not a crappy blog. This blog lets me begin to understand you, and understand what you are going through. And I don't know if you are talking about a boy now, or a future boy, but if he isn't always in the mood for you, there might be something wrong with him.
You are so fantastic, I'm sure that I could find so many more people that sincerely agree with me. :)
Im not sure you realize how many people completely and utterly love you to death.
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