I Want You to Want Me

I used to LOVE it when you'd come to church and speed-talk through your whole date the night previous, thrilled that I could understand everything you were saying and nobody else was in on our little game.  Just the fact that you were talking to me set my soul alight....

now that boy makes me cringe, hearing you talk of him all the time.  I never want to go anywhere with you because I know chances are he will end up coming along.  I make snide comments... I'm bitter.

I was trying so hard to figure out when the change happened and why.  I knew the emotions behind everything, I just couldn't figure out the root.

Well now I know.

In the past there was a very clear distinction.  He was the boyfriend, and I was the bestfriend.
I was cool with that.

But now it seems he's taken over both roles, and I'm just kind of mingling here with you, like a joke gone too far--it was awesome at first, but now we're just hanging on because we don't want it to end, even if most joy's been sucked out of it.

Well, it's great that you're happy and all... really, I love you too much not to want at least that for you.  And you've said you're tired of pretending to make everyone else happy.

I don't want you to pretend for me...

I want you to actually want me.

I need you to need me.

An Instruction Manual

Wouldn't life just be so much easier if everyone came with their own personal instruction manual?

Inside there would be a list of internal parts, different features, what to feed it, what to do if it breaks, how to keep it in the best condition, trouble shooting, safety warnings, possible upgrades, who to call in for backup if things just aren't working...

exchanging manuals would be sort of like an official declaration of friendship, as if saying "Here you go.  Now that I'm in your life, you're going to need this."

The more complicated/troubled individuals would have entire bibles worth of instructions,
while the more simple would be left with pamphlets.

Where's an easy button when you need one?

A Shirt :}

Perhaps some of you have been reading my blog long enough to remember that super duper long post about my fears of the fareast drama auditions.

Well... right now I'm wearing my brand spankin' new fareast drama shirt.

... Coree's never gotten a shirt for anything before.

Honestly I am so happy I might get emotional.
Finally I've been a part of something worth while!

Are You There, God? It's me--Coree.

Yesterday was horrible.
I was at such.... such a low!

Eventually I became at least a little more rational and decided that it wasn't okay to be so upset (funny how today when I tried to remember why I was sad I had trouble remembering!)

So I prayed.  I prayed really truly hard... yesterday, last night, this morning... Whenever I remembered.

I prayed that I'd be able to feel the love God has for everyone like I used to do just naturally.

And it worked.

Today was good.
I did well on my finals.
I had fun with my friends.
I was productive in drama.
I was once again to look upon people and just love them, no matter their flaws, just like I used to be able to do.

I'd call that a success :}

Hopefully I can keep this up.

Dear Blog,

I've come to learn that you are a very dangerous thing, oh blog of awesomeness.

You see, through more conversation with Abby today, I figured out that sometimes you make things worse.  Yes.... it is quite nice to just be able to get things out and express them in my favorite form of art--words.  Yes, you are really pretty and act as a tool for me to look at pictures of myself which make me appear attractive.  Yeah... it's awesome that other people like you and that I get to feel "popular" at school because I have people coming up all the time and talking to me about you.

But some people might have noticed that I was different today.
I sure as heck did.
I was mean... I was bitter.... I was impolite. 

I've decided that perhaps posting my anger might not be the best option? 

Though it's nice to vent, sometimes I subconsciously look for things to be mad about, just so I can write a dramatic post about them.   Occasionally I just want to feel extreme emotions.  In such times, I crank up the depressing/angry/jealous/whatever music and I start wracking my brain for something to write about. 

I take a pair of tweezers and pick and pick and pick at my soul, in a persistent attempt to snag some little speck of negativity that might make something interesting to write about.  When I finally manage to snag one of said specks, I let it consume me.  I feed it a bit of that tear-inducing song I'm listening to.  I put words to it.  I let it get bigger.  Soon it grows, develops intricate champers, and slowly continues to wrap around me until I am trapped within and have no chance of getting out.

Moral of the story... sometimes putting words to something buried deep within makes it worse.

Actually, that's usually the case.

I don't know if I'm quite ready to give you up.  I like expressing myself this way, even if it is destroying me.

Needless to say, Coree has some stuff to think about.

Sorry, Blog.

It's not you... it's me.

I'm Angry....

but yet so happy :}

See, I know this girl... and her name's Abigail Erdelatz.

She's kinda sorta my lover/twin.
(it's a pretty big deal.)

She listens to me,
she's hilarious,
and she makes me feel like I matter.

I need to spend more time with this chick.

Make way!
We are free spirits.

Our Own Pretty Ways

Let's not spill the truth
It's easier being alone
You're a shadow of the old
And I want something new

A Battleground

Even the most peaceful town once was a battleground

Heavy Storm

I saw an old photograph.
And the picture that appeared,

well it took me back to the time
When she was around

When I Grow Up...

.... I want to be happy.

On my own.

Not that there can't be someone else who comes along and contributes to said happiness-- but I am sick and tired of relying on other people.  I want to be happy with myself.  I want to use my own talents and my own intellect to make a life for myself.... I want to be able to trust in my own judgement and my own reason rather than having to rely on others to make every single little decision for me.  I want to be able to use my own brain to figure out my emotions, rather than going running to someone else to comfort me at the drop of a hat.  I'm starting to realize that it's just the blind leading the blind, anyways.

I'm sitting here trying to find music to bring out my emotions so that I can analyze them and put them into words on here, and all of my songs are about love... all of them.  It's disgusting.  Why do I listen to this stuff?  I've never really loved anyone.

So I guess those are my emotions.

I'm disgusted with myself.

In a few months everything is going to change.  Everything.  My brother and sister are going to grow up, along with many of my friends, who's not graduating is still moving away, and the one person who's staying... well, we'll probably spend all of our time remembering those who've left us.

I don't enjoy this.  I don't like being reduced to tears because I'm scared of losing people... people whom I probably will struggle to remember in just a few years.  I don't like the dull ache I get in my stomach as I try to guess how long it will take for each one to move on and stop caring...

no matter how they say they'll love me forever,

they'll forget.

I don't blame them.

Why shouldn't they forget?

The only thing that used to comfort me in thinking about the near future was that after everyone was gone I could get back to my bad, soul-consuming habits and nobody would care.  Nobody would be there to stop me.  I could destroy myself as much as I wanted and I wouldn't have anybody to confess to.  

These days.... it just seems pointless.  Even that stupid comfort has lost its satisfaction.

But even months before the dramatic period soon to take place, I've noticed other changes coming over me.  They're somewhat subtle, but I'm still noticing them.

I'm becoming self-aware.

Like really, truly, self-aware.

I can now see how stupid I'm being and how stupid I've been... in everything.  I thought I was self aware before because I knew when I was sad and I was good at making up reasons that made sense for that sadness.

I'm not sure why this change is coming over me... but it is.  God must have some reason why planned out.

I've been placing way too much of myself into one person... my trust, my time, my secrets, my worries, my embarrassment, my joys.... my.... my everything.

Yeah, she loves me.  There's no doubt of that.  And... I love her.

But I am no where near her priority like she was for me.  I never have been. 

So why should I make her mine?

I've decided that I need to make myself matter more.  If anyone is ever going to care about me, I'm going to have to care about myself.  I've decided to stop caring so much about everyone else and what they think and what they're saying about me.  Sometimes other people are wrong.  Sometimes I'm right!  For such an apparently "stubborn" person, you'd think I'd get my way more often rather than getting walked all over.  It might be best if I just cut myself off a bit.  

I'm not going to just sit around and watch as the lack of people in my life slowly causes me to melt away into a soupy puddle of self-pity and regret.

I'm tired of assuming everything is my fault, when usually it's because of the cruelty of somebody else.
I'm tired of spending all of my time wishing that I mattered more to other people.
I'm tired of people assuming I'll just always be there.

You guys run off and be happy with each other.  Go ahead.... move on.  See if I care.  I'm going to stay here for another two years.  And, you know what?  After you all leave I'm going to be absolutely fine.  I am going to be completely detached from the world and rely on myself.  In reality I'll be reduced to nothing on the inside... but you'll have absolutely no proof.  

I'm tired of being an open book.

I'm going to be the cold one.

I'm going to be the one with secrets.

I'm going to be the one who you only wish you could be.

I'll have myself.

I'll have God.

And I'll live.

Window Shopping

I love having an adult for a best friend.

Not only does she drive,

but she asks me to go grocery shopping with her and lets me ride in the cart.

Some of the best moments of my life.

You and I.....

An Interesting Realization

A long conversation with my Abigail helped me to suddenly understand something.

In case you didn't know, I push people away--a lot.  I pick one person who I give practically my whole soul, and while I have many people whom I love and have good times with at school and maybe even trust with secrets, doing stuff after school pretty much just doesn't happen.

I have finally figured out what's going on in my head to make it this way.

The thought of people depending on me is simply terrifying.

I take the dependent role in all things, so that nobody has the chance to claim it.  I cut off out of school ties so that I never have any sorts of commitment I need to freak out about.

I just don't want anyone to need me.

At first it made me sad to realize that I was the root of my lack of people to hang out with.  Then I figured out that it really is much easier this way...

but is it better?

A First for Everything

Today I had a few firsts.

I completely opened up and talked and hung out and laughed with someone other than my best friend... it's hard to explain.  I talk and hang out with lots of people.  I adore many many people.  But I guess what made this time different was that I was fully... invested.
I tried chai (how did I go on living without the marvelous beverage?)
And I cried right in public.

All three experiences were new and exciting and left me pondering.

But, crying in public... probably the weirdest. 
If you know me then you know I am not a crier.  If you make me cry then you should be proud of yourself.  The occasional book or movie can make me cry... but it almost always has to have a dog die to get such a reaction.
If you do make me cry, chances are you'll never know. 

But today I broke down sobbing right in front of my whole choir class.
The story of how it happened is really silly and embarrassing, so I won't go into that.
But it was such a... a relief.  I've never been so fully exposed and out there.  The feeling of having my feelings and thoughts being communicated without any possible doubts, even if they were negative, was quite a rush.
It was also mortifying.

See, I wish I was more capable of crying in front of my friends.  Sometimes I want them to know the extent of the pain I'm feeling and just hold me and let me get it all out.
But crying in a room full of people superior to you is not a fun thing.

I don't plan on trying it again any time soon.

My Past Life as a Homeschooler

I love how in my case every single one of these "lies" was true at least to some extent.

Oh, tonight....

You have been so wonderful.

I absolutely adore that feeling of adrenaline and anxiety before a performance, so strong it feels more like having your internal organs strangled by a flaming rope of nausea than a bit of jitters--followed by joy, satisfaction, and pride incomparable to anything else in the world! 
Performing.  There's nothing like it.

I loved getting to sign an autograph for the first time ever (hey you, Angela!  You're freaking awesome)! She actually wanted it because she reads this blog, not for my acting... I think that makes it all the more flattering.

But perhaps my favorite part was after all of the immense stress and adrenaline and joy.  It was sitting in the car in front of my house, just talking to my best friend... really communicating.  It was such a simple thing, and yet so intricate.  I missed the comfort and safety of being able to spill out my soul, whatever was in there, and getting to explain myself and really be understood by somebody. 

In honor of you, Tonight, I shall keep this post short.

Because the simple nothings end up meaning the most.

An Emotional Band-Aid

Tonight has been good.

I can sleep again.

I'm no longer an ocean of emotion,

or a walking soap-opera. 

Things might be a bit off for a short while, or perhaps they'll snap right back to how they usually are.  Regardless, we're all alive....

And we still look hot in coordinating outfits.

WANTED: Time Machine

I hate this.
I hate myself.
I hate what I did.
I hate what you said.

Now just the mention of you causes a sharp pain in my stomach... the exact same feeling as when I flash back to "the bad nights."  I can't focus on anything--my thoughts wander straight back to you and me and the raw hatred for me you must be feeling.

My goodness, we're not ex-lovers!  You're not my dead dog!  Why does it feel so much like that?

I've done this so many times before...

but you never reacted like this, even if I deserved it.
Good on you, I guess...

But you know how sometimes when you hold a baby, they start screaming right away?  You know how the immediate feeling you get is an immense sense of panic and the desperate need for it to just stop and be happy as soon as physically possible, no matter what you have to do to make that happen?
That's how I feel when my friends are crying.

And yet it applies to the situation at hand, as well. 
Only it's been a solid day of that panic and self-loathing, rather than those few moments before someone takes the disgruntled child away.
I want nothing more than for you to just stop being mad (or whatever it is you are) and love me again.  I just want for you to be happy and enjoy my company again.
I would do anything for that.
Or, what might be more meaningful in this case.... I'll quit anything for that.

You're worth more than my selfish journey to find something to fill the void in my life.  You are worth more than a dangerous secret.  You are worth more than my many attempts to try and get attention from people.

You're worth more than anything.

And I am so.... so.... ashamed of myself, that it's taking something like this to make me realize that!

The worst part is...

I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix this.

Not so it's good as new, at least.

An Investment

People, they seem so interested.
Only a few get invested.

Dear Coree,

You suck.

Quit making yourself and others suffer just for the risk of it.

Let some things be perfect and happy,
and let other things be hard to figure out.

Quit combining them into one giant, steaming bowl of misery.

Also... stop blaming your own mistakes on others.
Only you control you.

Moral of the story: grow a brain and use it to think about someone other than yourself.

Signed,
The Wiser Half of You

Vulnerable

Please don't tell me I'm the only that's vulnerable...

Dear Us,

I´m not gonna go home tonight.
I ain't gonna leave 'til I know we'll be alright.
But I´m afraid that you and I are wasting our time.
´cause your problems are just like mine--they´re hard to define.

We´re searching for things we´ll never find.
Your problems are just like mine--they´re hard to define.
Some say you have to fall to learn how to fly.
Some day we may understand just the reason why...
Some day

A Bit of Photoshop Fun

So I finally found the disk to install photoshop for my laptop, and so I did exactly that.

Using a few tutorials I decided I wanted to get back into the swing of it since my old laptop died like a year ago.

This is the first one.  It took me about... 2 days?  Heh.  For this one I used an aging tutorial.  It involved turning it almost sepia, applying a slight vignette effect on the border, and applying some grain and noise.

This was probably the simplest edit.  I just adjusted the light and added a bit of a gaussian blur to make us glow

My goal here was for more of a polaroid effect.  I think it worked.  I had to add like 5 fill layers of different colors and such, but in the end it turned out really cool.

This is the same effect as the one shown above, only with a different picture. 

Well, that's all for the moment.  I have realized that this post is mostly just geeky photoshop language... Oh well, perhaps some of you will understand it.  If not, at least the pictures are pretty <3

ps. I even got around to making myself a desktop background

Dear January 14th, 2012

You were an amazing day.

Because of you I learned how to make breakfast burritos, was able to clean out my room, actually had a bit of nice family time, saw a centipede in the wild for the first time, got to spend really good quality time with my best friend without even getting frustrated with each other the whole day, purchased a few items of AWESOME clothing out in town (including matching leather jackets with Sarah!  Heck yessss!), reminisced about past and future relationships of all sorts as we drank frappaccinos on the seawall, got a nice inside view on another faith group which helped me to understand more about my own, and then just drove around and talked about feelings.  Important things... stuff we haven't talked about in forever (partially because for a while I forgot how to talk about emotions.)  Even when I finally came home I got to eat sweeties and watch The Office with my family.

It was so nice... though I did lots of different things, every little bit of it was great.  Some moments were responsible.  Some moments were spontaneous.  Some moments were spiritual.

January 14th, 2012...

you just might have been the perfect day.
Not once did I get overwhelmed with any of my personal "demons"
Nobody got mad at me for anything.
I don't think anybody got tired of me.
I never got embarrassed... not even once.

And, you know what...?

No matter how many bad days there are in the future,

no matter how tired of life I get to be,

today was a good day.

I felt the love of my Heavenly Father,

I enjoyed myself in this round of the game of life,

I got to take refuge in the security of my best friends.

I didn't waste a second of it.

The Call

Just because every thing's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
All you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war--

Pick a star on the dark horizon, and follow the light.
You'll come back when it's over.
No need to say goodbye.

Dear Ocean,

Little known fact:

You are my biggest fear.

And that's saying something.  I'm scared of a lot of things... all the way from spiders to heights, needles to balloons, and even to that commercial they play in the movie theaters with all of the people clapping and shuffling and such to make a really cool song (the guy on the trashcans at the end is just too much for me.)

Out of all of that, you are the thing which manages to strike the most fear into my heart.  Though the sight of you transports my mind to a world of mystery and legend, the second I'm asked to get inside of your seemingly endless body, I get this overwhelming feeling.... as if I am the tiniest speck in the world, just waiting to be squished by something bigger.

Yet, surprisingly.... I don't hate you.  You're one of my very favorite things, actually.  You act as the perfect setting for photoshoots, simplistic entertainment while on seawall picnics, and a great inspiration when I want to come up with pretty much anything even the least bit imaginative.  I have had so many wonderful experiences both inside of you and while sitting a little ways off, staring into the vast horizon which you rest just perfectly beneath.  Heck, the tiny little piece of land I call home is completely surrounded by you!  I can't help but feel an immense sense of peace and belonging when I study your rippling waves.

Please forgive me for being so frightened.  That tends to happen when I really start loving someone.

An Alternate Reality

Okay.  So, if my mom had been a bit more on the crazy (and rich, for that matter) side, I could have totally ended up a pagent child.  

If I had.... that would probably be very scarily close to me.  I had "nuh nuh" instead of ni ni.  Though there was plenty of yelling and whining and screaming.  Also showing off.

And I didn't even have (that kind of) beauty to fuel it.

So.  If you thought I was a nightmare, look at this.  I could have been Makenzie.

This Too Shall Pass

If we never found this love
If we never took that road
If we hadn't had the hurt
We wouldn't have this home

So I was totally pissed.  I was just about ready to break down and cry and shatter into a million pieces (figuratively).  Something happened that just totally ruined my night and turned it into the poop of Satan.  The despair I felt within was so astoundingly physical... it felt more like I got punched in the gut than something happened which was making me emotional.

I found myself turning to my blog, searching iTunes for the perfect depressing song to fit my situation that I could share with the small community within the internet which actually looks at this thing.  There had to be something in the lyrics about feeling worthless and hiding pain and perhaps even a desire to break free.

Instead, I saw a picture of her.

And in that moment I remembered that joyous news I received this morning.

I remembered how the instant her words registered within my brain this immense feeling of warmth and peace and absolute, undeniable happiness washed over me.  I remembered getting that fluttery feeling in my stomach, which only increased in intensity as the reality of the news which had just been brought to my attention really marinated.  

All over again I had those visions of what the future just might hold now.  Once again I had the urge to start crying, but this time out of joy rather than sorrow.  I wanted to cry because for some reason this news seemed to come directly from the grace of my God.  Though I am immensely happy with the situation (despite other more complicated consequences of it), now I think a great deal of the joy is because perhaps this is a gift.  

In my head I see God's train of thought going something like;

"Well, Coree's not sucking as much as usual lately... she's quitting her pointless bad habits!  Oh, good for her.  Ohhh and look, she was actually nice to her family for an entire day!  Way to go, kiddo, praying to me before you go to bed for several nights in a row.  Mmmm.... this isn't good.  If things continue on this path, once summer hits, all of these good things she's got going for herself are going to be obliterated and she's going to turn into the poop of Satan.  Well, lemme see what I can do.  If I delay some of these happenings for just a few more months, then perhaps she'll have enough time to get the roots of her newly found good habits a bit more established so that she can stand on her own two feet once sorrows start hitting her hard again.  Sounds good... decision made!"

..............

(I apologize if this is heresy.... )

Or perhaps I'm just a lucky little duck who needs to count her blessings.

Well, either way... I am once again happy--more than happy!  I am overjoyed!  Now everything in Coree-world can go back to peace and I can forget my previous plans of spending the night brooding.  Instead, I think I'll do some homework.  Perhaps I'll read a book.  Maybe I'll draw a pretty picture of my feelings.

Perhaps it's not healthy to be having such polar opposite emotions overwhelm me every couple of hours.  Perhaps things won't work out and that which has saved me tonight will become void.  Perhaps this extra time I've been given with my loved ones won't be enough.  Perhaps I'll still fall into an abyss of antisocial misery.  This is still possible.

All I know is....

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

 No matter what happens, I've gotten through this night.  I have truly loved and received love in return.  I do my best in everything... but the rest I've just got to leave in the hands of the Lord.  However things end up, I will be fine, and I will find joy.

Me Around Them

It Goes Way Bad

I never liked a sad look from someone who wants to be loved by you

Wisdom Spawned from Coree's Cranium

(Spoken in the language of Troy)

"People open up to me because they know I'm human xD They know some days I just suck and I know that I suck and so they know that if they talk about something in their life that's sucking, I won't think they suck.
And I am glad of that. Everyone needs to spill their soul to somebody."

-- Corenna Jellybeana

 Yeah... I came up with that all by myself.

The 100th Post

Holy crap.  I need to find better things to do with my time.

This is my 100th blog post :DDD 

And it's also the 3rd Giraffy Monday.

The blog has been around for about 2 months?  Roughly?  I didn't think this would come so fast.

I planned it out just so that I would be writing my last few posts as I was supposed to be reading A Tale of Two Cities.  I made a deal with myself that I could still blog tonight as long as I read a chapter of the book first for each post.  It worked quite well.  I also timed it so that the 100th post could fall on a Giraffy Monday... because giraffes just add awesome to everything.

Including 100th posts.

Bleeeeaaaaaah *-* -insert Jeff's Giraffery impression here-

Now isn't your day so much brighter?


Anyways.  Thank you so much for reading my blog.  Though this thing is mainly for me to get emotions out and get to look at pretty pictures of myself because I'm all vain like that, it is kind of nice to know that people care enough to look at it.
This blog has been a really nice thing for me.  Hopefully it continues for a long time to come :}

- Corenna Jellybeana

Draw a Map, Find a Path.

Kinda wish I had the courage-- a bit of bravery.
So tired of waiting on a man to come and save me.
Wishing I had everything--or something, really.
I do admit it,
but now I’m thinking freely.
I’m going to open my mind to all these new found exciting possibilities.
I’m making all my own plans--throwing all my old ones away.
Gonna grow up--Be someone.
Draw a map, find a path.
Take a breath and run.

Birds in a Storm

But we never got older--
We just lost our dream
Like birds in a storm hid it away from the rain.
But summer will come and we'll open our wings.

We will learn to fly again,

I know we will learn to try again.

Dear School,

I hate you.

You are so boring, so time-consuming, so emotional, such a popularity contest, so endless, so cold, so lonely, so... necessary.

No matter how much I just want to to be over each day, each week, each month... no matter how much I count down to the next break,

I know that once you're gone I'll miss you terribly.

I know that without you I'd be stupid.  I know without you my days would feel super short and I'd do nothing of importance.  I know without you I wouldn't have nearly as grand of a social life.  I know without you I wouldn't be very good at meeting new people or trying new things or being a leader or making deadlines.

I hate you because despite the fact that you're dull and in many ways irrational,

I need you desperately.

I want you to leave my life.  I want to graduate from high school.... but then I know that I'll probably have to go to college on top of that.  Possibly a lot of college, depending on what I decide to do with this life I've been trusted with. 

I want summer, because I want freedom,

but I know I'm just going to spend all of that time and freedom brooding over what I lost because of you.

You make people grow up. 

You make people new.

You make people stressed.

You make people smart.

You make people popular.

You make me quite conflicted.

I Knew We'd Tell It Well

Though we’re tethered to the story we must tell,
When I saw you, well, I knew we’d tell it well.
With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.
Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.

All the Dark Horses

On the sunset horses silhouette--
all is calm tonight

Somebody That I Used to Know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Freedom

Skipped out on lots of food today.
For good reasons at first,
though it slowly turned into an evil decision.
I looked in the mirror at my exposed bones,
embraced that familiar tightness in my stomach,
and then I remembered.
I remembered how lonely it was...
the constant feeling like I was transforming into some sort of self-obsessed demon,
how I wanted to hide away from the whole world. 

I'm proud of what I did next.  

I laughed.

I finished getting dressed,

walked into the kitchen, then....

I ate a slice of leftover pizza.

Talking about this in the past tense is such a relief.

I am free.

Find Me

Finding peace and belief in this smile

A Photoshopped World

Sometimes I feel like I was photoshopped into this world

Originally meant to be somewhere different

never to look like I completely belong

Unspoken Communication

You'll Leave This World to Me

Well, you drove off in the summer rain.
I waved to you like a sleeping dream.
Told me to stay callous if someone bothered me.
The Eiffel Tower, the marching band--
but I'm sure you wouldn't understand.
I just hope you don't stay gone.

You'll leave.

You'll leave this world to me.

Make Your Own Doritos

If you're going to be making cool ranch then you wanna go ahead and add two dashes of an autumn breeze and half a horse's whinny.

20 Posts a Day

... no I'm not going to make that a goal xD 

But I do write about 20 blog posts a day.  Kind of like I used to think in status updates back when I was addicted to facebook.

Now I think in blog posts!

Sadly, most of these posts are either forgotten as my day goes on...

Or I remember but I still can't write them because they are either much too offensive, reveal too much, or are just downright depressing (to the point where I don't even want to type them out).  Sometimes I do write them out so that I can think more clearly or get things out of my system, but I still don't publish them.

Well.  Let it be known that I just wrote a really awesome and emotional and angry post... but it shall never be published.

It's too offensive.
It reveals too much.
It's downright depressing.

So I shall spare the internet from reading it.  Still, the stubborn side of me (which happens to be a very large portion) decided that it needed to be said that I wrote it.

That is all.

Carry on.

Blood Sugar

Me: "Yeah, it was quite comical reading why these people wanted words banned... they were totally being overdramatic, saying stuff like 'and this word makes.... my blood sugar go up.'  I mean really that's--"
Sarah: ".... Did you just say blood sugar?"
Me: "Uh I-I guess so."
Sarah: "Pressure.  Blood pressure."
Me: ".... How am I supposed to know that?  I mean really, I'm not old yet--I don't need to worry about such things!"
Sarah: "Uh huh."

Find Me

I want to be where you are
In times of need I just want you to stay
I leave a note on your car
When I can’t find the right words to say

New Soul

See, I'm a young soul in this very strange world,
hoping I could learn a bit 'bout what is true and fake.
But why all this hate? Try to communicate.
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make.

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace that's all her own

QUIT PUSHING ME AWAY

It makes me feel like crap, in case you didn't know.

You take me for granted.
You know, I could just pick up and leave.
Decide I'm tired of it.
Move on.
Get closer to my other friends.
Perhaps that would be the best thing to do.

But you know what...
I don't think I will.
Perhaps that disappoints you.
But I need you.
And I have a feeling you secretly need me, too.

Nineteen Again

It was sort of like being nineteen again.
And you have to hide it.

Paradise

When she was just a girl she expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep

That Dangerous Sort of Sad

I'm sure many people would agree with me when I say that there are lots of different kinds of sad.

Well, the kind that has decided to consume my day is the dangerous kind.
It's a sort that makes my stomach feel funny.  Sort of like a flutter from an encounter with a crush or when something really exciting is about to happen... but not the same at all.  It makes me feel like there's something I should be excited for, but I know I'm not.  It makes me feel empty and upset and nervous.

With this kind I usually don't know the cause.

Most of the time it can be fixed by simply being around people I like.  Sadly, that sort of encounter isn't always available.  Some days there's not a single person on this planet I like (not sure if today is one of those days).

And so this sadness is allowed to linger.

Now I'll get to the reason why this sort of emotion is so dangerous. 

With the maddening emptiness comes the insane desire to fill it with something... anything.  These are the days where I try and experiment with things to see if they'll make me happy--they seem to work for other people, after all.  Sometimes I decide to be productive with it and go through all my possessions, getting rid of everything that I don't absolutely need.  If I've allowed myself to get wrapped up in it enough then I'll probably say some brutally honest things to my friends, though my honest opinions on these days are often far from rational.  This sadness leads to new bad habits, allowing for many more of these sorts of awful days. 

On these days

Getting dressed before noon is a rare thing
I feel like I'm being watched
everything is over analyzed
I decide I'm sick of having friends
projects get destroyed
possessions are thrown away
my nails get bitten off for the first time since I last had this sort of sadness
I count both scars and freckles
I'm more stubborn than a mule
diary pages are ripped out
habits develop
food is consumed.  all of it.
emo music is listened too
I have to do everything really fast
patience is unheard of
... no, I'm not PMSing.

This sadness has the potential to ruin many days to come.

and I don't even know why it happens

Giraffy Mondays 003

'nough said.

Dear Winter Break,

You have truly been one of the finest periods of freedom I've ever experienced--even better than my whole summer vacation.

These past two weeks I have successfully:

• driven for HOURS around Okinawa thanks to Sarah's newly acquired license
• had 3 photo shoots
• given some amazing presents to those I love
• gone to Family Fun Land
• went shopping at the commissary with Sarah and was permitted to ride in the cart, swimming around in the food
• attended a dance I could get myself all dolled up for 
• was asked by a boy to dance though there was no longer any music
• went to Kinser Docks
• went back to Dragon Palace for the first time since the summer
• stayed up past midnight every single night
• had 4 sleepovers
• babysat 9 children (with a partner's help) at the same time
• went to the theaters for Sherlocke Holmes 2
• watched 14 movies
• completed my online Japanese class
• gone ice skating for the first time!  kept lots of people laughing...
• Visited 3 soba places
• went to Coco's Curry twice
• talked to my older brother for the first time in like 5 months
• purchased food from FamilyMart 4 times
• got "lost" in the windy roads of the mountains for several hours
• pumped gas into a car for the first time
• visited a random Japanese bakery hidden deep in the bowels of the Okinawan mountains
• went to 3 roller-slide parks and 5 parks total
• went to 4 beaches
• made memories that will last a lifetime

Dear Sunshine Blue Eyes,

Hey.  You there.  Pretend lover.  Sister.  Best friend.  Whatever it is you are to me xD  I suppose it depends on the moment.

I just wanted to tell you that you are such a special girl.  All it takes is sitting down and listening to you for a minute for me to realize that you're a better Christian than I am--and we're not even the same religion!  I hear you talk and get so worried about things that to me are little sins but are a big deal to you, and it's almost like I can feel the warmth of God's love for you.  He has a divine purpose for you, Bailey Bug.  Please, don't ever forget it.  I love the way you laugh.  I love telling secrets, exchanging gifts, pretending to be a family, going on adventures, staying up late with our deep facebook chats, having a blogging buddy... You mean so much to me. 

After the summer comes and everybody moves, you're going to be the only one I've got.  Please stick around... I look forward to walking that graduation stage with at least one of my original friends--and a pretty awesome one at that.

Stay you.  That's a pretty dang special person to be.

<3 Coree(ree)

Sunday Devotional III

Today in Young Woman's Sister Nixon brought up something that really made me think. 

Prayer is a blessing.

In all of my years I thought of prayer as a way to get blessings.  It was something I wasn't very good about doing consistently, and so I usually just felt guilty about it.

But the truth is... we're lucky we even have the option to try and communicate with our Heavenly Father.  Imagine what a lonely existence this would be if there was no way to talk to the one person who loves us the most--the one person who knows everything.  Imagine not being able to ask for things or say thank you or even just talk so that we didn't feel so alone in this Telestial world.

It gave me a bit of insight as to how atheists or people who don't yet know their religion must feel. 

I thank God I'm religious.

For You

If you love me with all that you are.
If you love me, I'll make you a star in my universe

Dear Mama DeBanc,

There's a sentence people say that to each other a lot--all sorts of people.  Lovers, parents, siblings, best friends, extended family, other sorts of leadership... There are many different types of love, but all of them are expressed with the same three-word sentence. 

I love you.

Well right now I want to say that to you, Sarah DeBanc.  To the readers of this blog... not even positive if you're one of them xD  Perhaps today's not a good day.  Perhaps you won't believe me.  But it's the truth--something I try to share as much as possible on this blog since it doesn't happen much in real life.

I love that you think of everybody's feelings and seem to be able to put yourself in their shoes well
I love that I can tell you anything
I love that when I sleep over at your house you pull out the scriptures (maybe even the Lego Bible if I'm lucky) and read to me from them
I love how we're part of an imaginary family at school
I love it when we complete each other's sentences or say the same thing at the same time
I love the weird yet awesome breakfasts you make me
I love that when you give me compliments I actually believe you
I love when you let me lay in your lap and start to play with my hair
I love when you speak to me like I matter
I love that we borrow clothes from each other
I love trying to come up with ideas for awesome gifts for you
I love your taste in music
I love that you spend time with me
I love days when we wear coordinating outfits 
I love that you share your mom
I love our countless inside jokes
I love how you know all of my secrets
I love that I get the privilege of knowing you better than anyone
I love how you can be a best friend, a sister, or even a mom depending on what I need at the moment

I love caring about someone,

whether or not they care about me.

A Useless Lump of Flesh and Blood

... that's what I am.

So many times I've told my friends that I love to hear from them no matter what it's about--that I will always be there for them when they need to talk about something.  I promise they can come over in the middle of the night if need be, cry in front of me, talk to me about ANYTHING.... I just want to be there for them so that they know how much I love them and would put them above me in anything.

But I've failed.  When that finally happened for the first time in months (....not that I seek it out or anything...) I just sat there.  I am such a useless lump of flesh and blood.  My mind searched desperately for something to say... something to comfort... something to do!  Anything to make them better!  Nothing.  A hug, sure--I always want hugs.  Nope.... not even that helped at all.

All I want is to be of use.  I want to make my friends happy--to know that no matter what they're going through, I'm here.  I will love them no matter what and I don't judge.  I want them to feel safe and loved and happy and useful and sheltered and belonging and.... just.... good.

But for some reason I just can't do it.  I don't know what it is about me.  For some reason when I try to hug someone, it's just not the same.  When I try to hold their hand, it's just not the same.  When I try to offer words of encouragement or advice, it's just not the same.  No matter what I do.... it doesn't work.  Just because I'm me.  Well I don't really know how to be someone else.  Trust me--I'd do it if I could.  I would soooo do it if I could.  It drives me up a wall, wondering what on earth is so wrong with me that there is not a single soul on this planet that I am capable of offering comfort to.  I can't help anybody.  I don't make things better. 

I really would do anything for my friends.

But I can't.
It's just not the same.