A Useless Lump of Flesh and Blood

... that's what I am.

So many times I've told my friends that I love to hear from them no matter what it's about--that I will always be there for them when they need to talk about something.  I promise they can come over in the middle of the night if need be, cry in front of me, talk to me about ANYTHING.... I just want to be there for them so that they know how much I love them and would put them above me in anything.

But I've failed.  When that finally happened for the first time in months (....not that I seek it out or anything...) I just sat there.  I am such a useless lump of flesh and blood.  My mind searched desperately for something to say... something to comfort... something to do!  Anything to make them better!  Nothing.  A hug, sure--I always want hugs.  Nope.... not even that helped at all.

All I want is to be of use.  I want to make my friends happy--to know that no matter what they're going through, I'm here.  I will love them no matter what and I don't judge.  I want them to feel safe and loved and happy and useful and sheltered and belonging and.... just.... good.

But for some reason I just can't do it.  I don't know what it is about me.  For some reason when I try to hug someone, it's just not the same.  When I try to hold their hand, it's just not the same.  When I try to offer words of encouragement or advice, it's just not the same.  No matter what I do.... it doesn't work.  Just because I'm me.  Well I don't really know how to be someone else.  Trust me--I'd do it if I could.  I would soooo do it if I could.  It drives me up a wall, wondering what on earth is so wrong with me that there is not a single soul on this planet that I am capable of offering comfort to.  I can't help anybody.  I don't make things better. 

I really would do anything for my friends.

But I can't.
It's just not the same.