WANTED: Time Machine

I hate this.
I hate myself.
I hate what I did.
I hate what you said.

Now just the mention of you causes a sharp pain in my stomach... the exact same feeling as when I flash back to "the bad nights."  I can't focus on anything--my thoughts wander straight back to you and me and the raw hatred for me you must be feeling.

My goodness, we're not ex-lovers!  You're not my dead dog!  Why does it feel so much like that?

I've done this so many times before...

but you never reacted like this, even if I deserved it.
Good on you, I guess...

But you know how sometimes when you hold a baby, they start screaming right away?  You know how the immediate feeling you get is an immense sense of panic and the desperate need for it to just stop and be happy as soon as physically possible, no matter what you have to do to make that happen?
That's how I feel when my friends are crying.

And yet it applies to the situation at hand, as well. 
Only it's been a solid day of that panic and self-loathing, rather than those few moments before someone takes the disgruntled child away.
I want nothing more than for you to just stop being mad (or whatever it is you are) and love me again.  I just want for you to be happy and enjoy my company again.
I would do anything for that.
Or, what might be more meaningful in this case.... I'll quit anything for that.

You're worth more than my selfish journey to find something to fill the void in my life.  You are worth more than a dangerous secret.  You are worth more than my many attempts to try and get attention from people.

You're worth more than anything.

And I am so.... so.... ashamed of myself, that it's taking something like this to make me realize that!

The worst part is...

I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix this.

Not so it's good as new, at least.