When I Grow Up...

.... I want to be happy.

On my own.

Not that there can't be someone else who comes along and contributes to said happiness-- but I am sick and tired of relying on other people.  I want to be happy with myself.  I want to use my own talents and my own intellect to make a life for myself.... I want to be able to trust in my own judgement and my own reason rather than having to rely on others to make every single little decision for me.  I want to be able to use my own brain to figure out my emotions, rather than going running to someone else to comfort me at the drop of a hat.  I'm starting to realize that it's just the blind leading the blind, anyways.

I'm sitting here trying to find music to bring out my emotions so that I can analyze them and put them into words on here, and all of my songs are about love... all of them.  It's disgusting.  Why do I listen to this stuff?  I've never really loved anyone.

So I guess those are my emotions.

I'm disgusted with myself.

In a few months everything is going to change.  Everything.  My brother and sister are going to grow up, along with many of my friends, who's not graduating is still moving away, and the one person who's staying... well, we'll probably spend all of our time remembering those who've left us.

I don't enjoy this.  I don't like being reduced to tears because I'm scared of losing people... people whom I probably will struggle to remember in just a few years.  I don't like the dull ache I get in my stomach as I try to guess how long it will take for each one to move on and stop caring...

no matter how they say they'll love me forever,

they'll forget.

I don't blame them.

Why shouldn't they forget?

The only thing that used to comfort me in thinking about the near future was that after everyone was gone I could get back to my bad, soul-consuming habits and nobody would care.  Nobody would be there to stop me.  I could destroy myself as much as I wanted and I wouldn't have anybody to confess to.  

These days.... it just seems pointless.  Even that stupid comfort has lost its satisfaction.

But even months before the dramatic period soon to take place, I've noticed other changes coming over me.  They're somewhat subtle, but I'm still noticing them.

I'm becoming self-aware.

Like really, truly, self-aware.

I can now see how stupid I'm being and how stupid I've been... in everything.  I thought I was self aware before because I knew when I was sad and I was good at making up reasons that made sense for that sadness.

I'm not sure why this change is coming over me... but it is.  God must have some reason why planned out.

I've been placing way too much of myself into one person... my trust, my time, my secrets, my worries, my embarrassment, my joys.... my.... my everything.

Yeah, she loves me.  There's no doubt of that.  And... I love her.

But I am no where near her priority like she was for me.  I never have been. 

So why should I make her mine?

I've decided that I need to make myself matter more.  If anyone is ever going to care about me, I'm going to have to care about myself.  I've decided to stop caring so much about everyone else and what they think and what they're saying about me.  Sometimes other people are wrong.  Sometimes I'm right!  For such an apparently "stubborn" person, you'd think I'd get my way more often rather than getting walked all over.  It might be best if I just cut myself off a bit.  

I'm not going to just sit around and watch as the lack of people in my life slowly causes me to melt away into a soupy puddle of self-pity and regret.

I'm tired of assuming everything is my fault, when usually it's because of the cruelty of somebody else.
I'm tired of spending all of my time wishing that I mattered more to other people.
I'm tired of people assuming I'll just always be there.

You guys run off and be happy with each other.  Go ahead.... move on.  See if I care.  I'm going to stay here for another two years.  And, you know what?  After you all leave I'm going to be absolutely fine.  I am going to be completely detached from the world and rely on myself.  In reality I'll be reduced to nothing on the inside... but you'll have absolutely no proof.  

I'm tired of being an open book.

I'm going to be the cold one.

I'm going to be the one with secrets.

I'm going to be the one who you only wish you could be.

I'll have myself.

I'll have God.

And I'll live.